Worst Ever Parenting Experience

Tonight must be the night I felt worst as a mother...:( I decided to throw away "Mr Spoon"...

Debbie has been refusing to sleep at night. Someone commented that she is like a eager beaver...ever so energetic. I knew that she was already very tired; so I refused to let her go out of the bedroom last night. As usual she fussed and cried... I spanked her twice on her thigh and eventually she got so exhausted from the crying she slept...

Tonight was another such night. I wanted both the girls to sleep early. As Debbie missed her 2nd nap, I presumed that she was very tired. Tried to put her to bed at 930pm. But she refused to... She kept wanting to eat biscuit and point at the fridge for food. Thinking that it was probably greed and trantrum, I spanked her with "Mr Spoon"... This time I think I lost control and spanked a little too hard. I did not realised that it left a red mark on her thigh...

Even after the "fighting" she was still not sleeping... I asked if she wanted food. She said yes, and I gave her plain rice, thinking that she was probably just going to play with the food. But to my horror, she ate the plain rice I gave her... Then suddenly I realised...maybe she WAS really hungry?!?

Even if she wanted just another biscuit before bedtime, does it hurt? Is it worth fighting with her just so that I can "force" her to bed? And if you know Debbie, she is very intelligent... She can be reasoned but cannot be forced... Why must I teach my child anger? It doesn't hurt if she sleeps later... Don't I usually believe that babies her age can survive with less sleep? They can always make up for the loss in the day... Am I being too harsh? Why do I have to correct everything? Does God do that to us? His discipline makes us a better person and does not destroy us...

I believe in discipline... I believe in Mr Spoon... but discipline out of control becomes a disaster...

I cannot stopped crying tonight... I felt bad towards Debbie... I kept apologizing to Debbie. As usual, kids are ever-so-forgiving. Debbie hugged and kissed me. Denise saw me crying and asked me what happened. I told her how I felt... and she kept assuring me that it's ok... Don't be sad and that she loves me. I told myself I will not use Mr Spoon on Debbie again. I told her we are throwing Mr Spoon away and 3 of us threw "him" into the dustbin...

Dear God, help me to be a better parent! Debbie is finally asleep at 1145pm. I pray that she will not remember these 2 nights. Let her mind be filled with pleasant memories of her childhood.